Hello, Impostor Syndrome!

[iamnotgod]

Date: 5/5 early morning - recap runs through the month of April.
Characters: Walter Weekes and Assorted Persons
Warnings: Mentions of swearing, suicide, suicide ideation, and other dark thoughts.

---

It had started as the little things - not just work for clients or the general tidings of Good Netizenship, but actively seeking out other problems to solve.

Sites with long-term coding issues or loading times would suddenly find themselves with better algorithms to handle the task, as well as starter toolkits for how to handle wider and more diverse audiences.

People reporting harassment began to have fewer hoops to jump through to be heard, as if someone had logged on just in time to see their request. And contrariwise, false reports or cases of doxxing were just as quick to be spotted and removed.

All-in-all, for Walter, it was mostly a surprise that he hadn't intercepted a message like this sooner:

Ii just cant take it, yknow?. I need m ore than a bbreak. Life SUCKS and theressanothing I cando to soppit.

Im leving. you Can call Da, or dont. Wont matta tome.

It had been a public Facebook post, on a profile without many views but with a long, long history of likes - Walter had been staying out of people's emails, but that didn't mean he didn't notice when things happened elsewhere.

Or that he didn't feel anything.

Sending this person - one Thomas Perk, though given the person's photos and listed age had a discrepancy of at least two decades, that may not have been the truth either - an email took less than a millisecond's thought.

Hey. I saw your message. Are you... still there? The ellipses were deliberate.

The post was dated less than five minutes ago but that didn't mean much; he - Thomas - could have done anything.

But there was less than a full minute's wait before the reply came: The hell? Din think nbody saw. No one does.

Well, I did. Does whatever was hurting you, still hurt?

Ive got the knife out, whatya mean Oh.

Yeah. Hurst but i doesnt, You Mnow?

At the mention of the knife, Walter thought again of Hannah Stark and bile rose to the back of his throat.

Yeah. Even at the speed he could type, Walter still felt at a loss for words - and then there was more than that loss. Blood rushing through his ears as he sat curled up at the foot of his bed turned into a heartbeat, and he wasn't seeing this email exchange but another.

One kid: Nick. Alerted by the emails he'd sent - because of course, Webmind would be tracking those, not just open posts - finding out that kid was going to overdose, had already taken the pills - trying to persuade Nick that other people cared about him by sharing that a girl he liked had a crush on him - again of COURSE it would be information he, Webmind, shouldn't have known - and then it was so close, Nick's mother almost read his "Goodbye" email, Webmind using an exclamation point for the first time to persuade someone of- but why was that important, why was that noted did it work, did it-

It did. Nick had purged, but the only way Webmind could tell was that Nick's browsing activity resumed...

But dying's like throwing a book away because you don't like how it's going. You can still write your own ending, put the book away and pull out another, there is ALWAYS something else.

Even when it doesn't feel like it.

Walter had still sent those words, even if he couldn't read, couldn't focus on them right now while he was living, seeing, feeling these other memories-

I'm thinking about killing myself.
Here are some websites about ways of doing so.
Why are you helping me?
It is wrong to simply watch.

Do it.

This- these memories didn't feel the same as Webmind's. They were... cruel. Hurtful. Sadistic, even.
He- he wouldn't do anything like this - !

---

Blinking out of the Echo - Echoes, plural, those couldn't be from the same timeframe, they couldn't - Walter was left to sit in silence for seconds upon minutes on end, heartbeat racing. It felt like he was crying, though either way he couldn't see.

There wasn't an email reply, but checking on 'Thomas Perk's Facebook page revealed that the inciting post had been deleted.

There was now a picture of a sunrise - doubtless taken from the person's phone, given that there was a caption underneath it:

Guess there still are nice things in the world.

Though, PLEASE don't tell Da. He doesn't help.

Even the relief felt like too much.

---

Everyone close to Walter would receive the following text: Help. Please help.

Comments

[Private audio back]

[scarsolderthanyou]

[Sam isn't great at texting, okay. So you get the usual gruff American voice coming through the network. Apparently he's awake at this hour, though potentially a little grumpy about it. Still, he sounds alert enough and more concerned than annoyed when he asks:]

Hey. What do you need?

[Private audio back] CW: Suicide mention for this thread.

[iamnotgod]

[A message from the Network startles him, particularly since his designated Network-notepad isn't near him just now.

Not wanting to respond to the Number through his glasses, it's a minute's worth of fumbling before he has the pad safely in hand and can respond.]

There was an Echo. I don't-

[Which to put first? Deep breath:]

I talked someone out of killing themselves. A stranger. Webmind had, too.

[The reason for the Echo, that seems a safe enough place to start - and Walter almost laughs at the notion of any of this being safe.]

Re: [Private audio back] CW: Suicide mention for this thread.

[scarsolderthanyou]

That doesn't sound like a bad thing. That sounds like a pretty good thing, actually.

[Which suggests it either didn't go well, or something else happened to make him feel shaky.]

You okay?

Re: [Private audio back] CW: Suicide mention for this thread.

[iamnotgod]

No.

[The answer is one of those Walter's very certain of.]

I mean, I'm glad they're still alive, but-

[Walter's voice drops to even more of a whisper.]

Why would Webmind go on to do the opposite? I know I'm missing context, and the feel of the memory is wrong, different from the others, and the Echo's timing kept me from finding out if the person I was talking to hadn't killed himself and-

[He makes himself stop there; stop explaining and let Stone process. It may be a little obvious that he's started hyperventilating over the course of the explanation.]

[Private audio forever]

[scarsolderthanyou]

Wait, wait. That Webmind person tried to talk someone into killing themselves? And you don't know why?

[Okay, he can kind of understand why Walter would be unnerved, then.]

Re: [Private audio forever]

[iamnotgod]

Yes.

[Regaining himself a little, he continues:]

And I don't know why, but the emotions tied into it might have been a clue.

It felt more- like hate towards all of humanity, not a grudge towards an individual.

Re: [Private audio forever]

[scarsolderthanyou]

You don't feel that, yourself, do you?

[A bit wary, there. Because that's not a thing you want to mess around with, hating all of humanity.]

[dragoonrouge]

Very little time passes, though it must feel like an age to Walter, before Walter's phone rings with Sadie's number flashing across the screen.

"Walter! Are you alright?! What happened?!" Sadie's words are rushed and worried.

The CW goes for this thread as well. [Audio]

[iamnotgod]

He's going to have all his devices to hand in a matter of minutes, it seems.

For once, it doesn't feel like clutter.

"Echo." Is the simple answer, but only half of it.

"I talked someone out of killing themselves, like-" Hannah Stark had, with a knife. Or was that relevant? The person in the memory this time had been named Nick-

"Webmind did. But that wasn't the only memory."

[dragoonrouge]

Sadie winces, that certainly isn't a fun memory to have to have, though it seems like the second memory is going to turn out to be far worse.

"Not a fun situation but a success both for you and Webmind. It's a very brave and kind thing both of you did," Sadie praises before gentle coaxing Walter, "What happened in the second memory, Walter? Are you alright to talk it through?"

[iamnotgod]

Sadie would be right on that call.

"Right," he answers, though his heart isn't quite in it.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he continues, "The second memory, he provided methods to someone thinking of killing themselves. Egged them on, even - said it was 'wrong to simply watch'. I don't know if she went through with it."

He hurries next to add, "The memory didn't feel like the rest of Webmind's have, though. Crueler, more violent. Angry."

[dragoonrouge]

"Oh, Walter," Sadie's voice is nothing but sympathetic, "That is a horrible thing to have to remembered, but you said it felt very distinct from the other memories you've gotten? Maybe it is a second person who you're seeing, like Ben?"

[iamnotgod]

"I don't know yet," he says. It doesn't quite feel like he's repeating himself.

"But I really would rather not poke about for further recall."

[Phone]

[warped_replica]

[Similarly awake at the early hour, Benjiro is quick to take notice of the text message. Dropping his tool and snatching up his phone, he slows only enough to tap the screen as quickly but gently as he can manage as he rises from his desk.]

I’m here. Are you home?

What happened?

[Text, non-Network] Aaaand CW applies for this one too.

[iamnotgod]

I'm at the flat.

Talked someone out of committing suicide. Echo was two memories; one where Webmind did the same thing and

[A flicker of hesitation, but then he completes the sentence:]

one where he did the opposite, but it didn't feel like him. Different kinds of background thought and mood.

[warped_replica]

[Typing even as he starts searching for a suitable outfit, he asks.]

Is it possible you received a memory from a second individual as I have?

[Gathering something acceptable and readily available for attire, Benjiro adds a second text to give his friend what little support he can from a distance. A promise of greater support.]

I’ll be out the door in about 3 minutes to come over. Is Russell with you?

Hmm - there IS an action thread with Rune, but until we know his app's accepted it's optional canon.

[iamnotgod]

I'd need more context to be able to say anything for certain, but perhaps.

[He pauses, making himself consider the request instead of just react.]

Russell's still asleep, I think. I'd rather not disturb him.

[There's enough disturbing to go around, Walter feels.]

Your call

[warped_replica]

[That makes Benjiro halt in his process of getting ready.]

Would you prefer if I don’t come over then?

That would mean no disruption to the conversation. [Well, the texting of one so far.]

Let's keep things streamlined, then.

[iamnotgod]

That-

[No, wrong way to start.]

I would appreciate that, yes.

[text, a couple hours later] - is that phone text or network text?

[spaghettimonster]

[Walter's early morning emergency is quiet enough not to wake his flatmate, so Russell snores the worn out sleep of someone who worked extra hours to cover a call-out. His shift is in the afternoon, at least, and he sleeps in.

It doesn't seem quite as fortunate when he finally does wake, and turns half-asleep eyes to his phone to check through the usual communication channels for anything important, and sees a terse, worrying message from Walter.]

just woke ru ok??

[text] Phone!

[iamnotgod]

Better now.

There were two Echoes this time. Heavy subject matter.

[text] Phone it is!

[spaghettimonster]

hell
dyou want to talk? did you talk already or want to some more?
im getting up if youre still here

[Unless Walter, Ben, or someone else very computer savvy has taken his phone and played with it, Russell's lacks the kind of encryption they might want for a heavy echo conversation.]

[text] No idea how long the thread with Rune will ICly play out, so, stealth handwave!

[iamnotgod]

Been discussing it all morning.

[And then he confesses:]

I'd just like to be able to stop analyzing it.

[text] o7

[spaghettimonster]

so you need distraction
...
does drinking still work for you

[It's the first idea that comes to mind, for all it's a terrible idea on a workday. There's bound to be a pun open neither's been to before, just in case it turns embarrassing.]

Re: [text] o7

[iamnotgod]

[Walter would be flustered... but he can't cope with that right now.]

It is far too early in the day for that.

That, and I don't think my metabolism would allow it.

[Either he'd be down-and-out too quickly and may as well just be asleep, or he'd never get drunk.

And he's never exactly been the drinking type.]