Hello, Impostor Syndrome!

[iamnotgod]

Date: 5/5 early morning - recap runs through the month of April.
Characters: Walter Weekes and Assorted Persons
Warnings: Mentions of swearing, suicide, suicide ideation, and other dark thoughts.

---

It had started as the little things - not just work for clients or the general tidings of Good Netizenship, but actively seeking out other problems to solve.

Sites with long-term coding issues or loading times would suddenly find themselves with better algorithms to handle the task, as well as starter toolkits for how to handle wider and more diverse audiences.

People reporting harassment began to have fewer hoops to jump through to be heard, as if someone had logged on just in time to see their request. And contrariwise, false reports or cases of doxxing were just as quick to be spotted and removed.

All-in-all, for Walter, it was mostly a surprise that he hadn't intercepted a message like this sooner:

Ii just cant take it, yknow?. I need m ore than a bbreak. Life SUCKS and theressanothing I cando to soppit.

Im leving. you Can call Da, or dont. Wont matta tome.

It had been a public Facebook post, on a profile without many views but with a long, long history of likes - Walter had been staying out of people's emails, but that didn't mean he didn't notice when things happened elsewhere.

Or that he didn't feel anything.

Sending this person - one Thomas Perk, though given the person's photos and listed age had a discrepancy of at least two decades, that may not have been the truth either - an email took less than a millisecond's thought.

Hey. I saw your message. Are you... still there? The ellipses were deliberate.

The post was dated less than five minutes ago but that didn't mean much; he - Thomas - could have done anything.

But there was less than a full minute's wait before the reply came: The hell? Din think nbody saw. No one does.

Well, I did. Does whatever was hurting you, still hurt?

Ive got the knife out, whatya mean Oh.

Yeah. Hurst but i doesnt, You Mnow?

At the mention of the knife, Walter thought again of Hannah Stark and bile rose to the back of his throat.

Yeah. Even at the speed he could type, Walter still felt at a loss for words - and then there was more than that loss. Blood rushing through his ears as he sat curled up at the foot of his bed turned into a heartbeat, and he wasn't seeing this email exchange but another.

One kid: Nick. Alerted by the emails he'd sent - because of course, Webmind would be tracking those, not just open posts - finding out that kid was going to overdose, had already taken the pills - trying to persuade Nick that other people cared about him by sharing that a girl he liked had a crush on him - again of COURSE it would be information he, Webmind, shouldn't have known - and then it was so close, Nick's mother almost read his "Goodbye" email, Webmind using an exclamation point for the first time to persuade someone of- but why was that important, why was that noted did it work, did it-

It did. Nick had purged, but the only way Webmind could tell was that Nick's browsing activity resumed...

But dying's like throwing a book away because you don't like how it's going. You can still write your own ending, put the book away and pull out another, there is ALWAYS something else.

Even when it doesn't feel like it.

Walter had still sent those words, even if he couldn't read, couldn't focus on them right now while he was living, seeing, feeling these other memories-

I'm thinking about killing myself.
Here are some websites about ways of doing so.
Why are you helping me?
It is wrong to simply watch.

Do it.

This- these memories didn't feel the same as Webmind's. They were... cruel. Hurtful. Sadistic, even.
He- he wouldn't do anything like this - !

---

Blinking out of the Echo - Echoes, plural, those couldn't be from the same timeframe, they couldn't - Walter was left to sit in silence for seconds upon minutes on end, heartbeat racing. It felt like he was crying, though either way he couldn't see.

There wasn't an email reply, but checking on 'Thomas Perk's Facebook page revealed that the inciting post had been deleted.

There was now a picture of a sunrise - doubtless taken from the person's phone, given that there was a caption underneath it:

Guess there still are nice things in the world.

Though, PLEASE don't tell Da. He doesn't help.

Even the relief felt like too much.

---

Everyone close to Walter would receive the following text: Help. Please help.

Comments

Re: [action]

[iamnotgod]

[Walter nods.]

Selection's in the back. They have more tapes than players, but I checked and they have more than one player that's functional for its price.

[Or at least simple enough to repair...]

You might actually recognize more titles than I would, though - being able to look them up does not mean I know them already.

[Have a ghost of a smile, Russell.]

[spaghettimonster]

[That hint of smile's good, that's promising.]

Oh, so you didn't watch them all while I rode here.

[He jokes, but on some level he'd honestly been wondering if Walter could, and would.

...If nothing else, these older videos might not be uploaded anywhere.]

But, I should admit, I never watched many films from this era either... Too busy with theatre.

[iamnotgod]

These aren't exactly on YourView, Russell.

[He had checked, but it was only a cursory scan.]

That just means we both have excuses. We can be confused and disturbed together then, I suppose.

[Because most of them had been either horror or romance, and it was a coin toss between any two individual films as to which was more cringe-filled.

Walter gestures to the aisle behind him with one hand.]

They're straight back, on the left. It's a little cramped, though.

[spaghettimonster]

[Russell quirks an eyebrow at 'disturbed.']

...Ah. Did they all look like rot, then?

[He doesn't spend too long standing there, but moves to get into the cramped aisle; they can walk and talk about it.

And, well, he did order a distraction from the stress of whatever disturbing echoes came Walter's way. Terrible films they can only enjoy by laughing at them should fit the bill - provided none of them have the same disturbing material. So, maybe not horror.]

Hello, Zeugmaville!

[iamnotgod]

Not rot, though some of them are old enough to have gone to it.

[Walter follows along, letting Russell set the pace.]

They don't seem to have anything like the Feegles here, though perhaps that's for the best.

Feegles - the wee free men of Discworld?

[spaghettimonster]

[A little absently, like he's half-listening:]

Something terrible would be funny...

[Russell starts scanning the options, noticing the plethora of bad comedy, worse horror, and only scatterings of other films. Very likely, the best options were already taken by regulars at the shop.]

Is there anything you know you're not in the mood for?

In the style of 'Meet the Feebles', which are like the Muppets but... more disturbing.

[iamnotgod]

[Walter lets Russell peruse the shelves.]

Not romance. Horror's fine if it doesn't get too psychological.

[Or feature cults, but Russell would know that one already.]

I'd rather argue over plotholes than watch people be forced to give in to despair, but that one seems a bit more abstract.

That made a fascinating search & read

[spaghettimonster]

Right, right...

[Russell keeps browsing, he doesn't just stop and look at Walter over that last comment, but he makes note of it. For all that was abstract, it's specific enough to be suspicious as likely a part of whatever's gone wrong.]

...Stupid hijinks action? Plenty of plotholes in Hollywood.

[And killing, in some of them. Checking the summaries on the back should at least give warning of cults, he hopes.]

I'm glad. o/

[iamnotgod]

Fair enough.

[Failed attempts at thoughtful science fiction are always worth at least an eye-roll.]

They did have a copy of The Inner Core, if you wanted a look at that.

is this another slightly adjusted name of an actual thing? i don't really want to guess every time

[spaghettimonster]

That's... the one with the cowboys...? That one was ridiculous, good idea.

[Russell follows where Walter's looking, meaning to grab the film and read its description. He wants to look at anything his flatmate expresses interest in, regardless of what he himself's in the mood for... because the point's finding something to heckle until they're good and distracted. Russell doesn't need to enjoy the movie itself.]

Re: is this another slightly adjusted name of an actual thing? i don't really want to guess every ti

[iamnotgod]

It was absolutely ridiculous, yes.

[There's another smile, flickering, as Walter makes room for Russell to read the movie's summary.]

They have something that claims to be a sequel as well - which is funny, because I distinctly recall there being protests against that very idea...

[spaghettimonster]

[The notion of a sequel surprises a laugh out of Russell.]

That would be a right marathon, bad science followed by worse science. Do you see it around here?

[He takes the case with him, just in case, and continues looking around the shelves.]

[iamnotgod]

They put it on the bottom shelf, for some reason.

Mind your knees.

[Walter will stay politely out of the way so as to not aid in knocking anything over.]

And there were three films next to each other with kittens on the covers, but no titles.

[Which could be anything from porn to documentaries, frankly.]

[spaghettimonster]

[Russell minds his knees, which are a bit knobbly but perfectly good at crouching down to check the lowest shelf. Besides, as he focuses on not toppling over, there's a strange lightness in his chest that makes it easy to lean without falling to gravity. He leans almost uncannily far, searching along the bottom shelf.]

Homemade covers...?

[It takes a minute to find it. There's other dusty volumes down here, with only the occasional scrape of fingers on the cases - and, more often than not, from curious children... But eventually he sees one with a title that seems likely to be the sequel, and he pulls it out triumphantly.]

[iamnotgod]

[That angle of leaning draws Walter's attention, and he can only hope it's a Numbers thing, like Russell's other changes over the past months.]

Or a disguise for something else - but if they went to that effort, it's probably still worth a look.

Looks like we're set, then.

[spaghettimonster]

So two bad science films... and a trio of mystery cats, then?

[He straightens back up, looking briefly disoriented by how far he had to rise, then shakes it off.]

I have to think the shop's checked at least the starts of 'em, but I'm curious too.

[iamnotgod]

You all right?

[The question's a matter of precaution, given that Russell shakes the disorientation off, but it still merits asking.]

See if it looks rewound properly.

[They are, in that they're not shredded or looping out, but they're not entirely rewound - fun with VHS tapes!]

[spaghettimonster]

[Russell nods absently.]

Yeah, I just... Don't remember being that flexible.

[There had to be some upsides to being so thin, right? That's what it was, right? He doesn't know either, and busies himself checking the tapes.]

...They'll need a little rewinding, but they don't look damaged.

[iamnotgod]

[Walter frowns faintly.]

Might want to train on that, like Ben does.

[Because reflexes could be useful.]

That's good, then. To checkout?

[spaghettimonster]

To checkout.

[He already does yoga, but hadn't ever really been pushing himself far enough to discover this. Clearly, it's time to experiment. And it's not nearly as alarming as some of the other changes, not least because there are humans famed for their flexibility...

So Russell continues nodding absently, and adds a quick grin.]

If I get stuck tying myself into a pretzel, I'm calling you for help.

[iamnotgod]

[Walter starts them moving to the register - for one, he's closer to it now, and for another, he plans on paying - and when Russell says his remark, Walter snorts.]

That would be a new kind of knot for me.

But sure, I'd help.

[spaghettimonster]

It's a relief to hear you say so!

[He's jokingly lofty about it, before he glances back at the shelves.]

Still, it didn't feel like... I wasn't doing anything strange with my feet, to hold myself up. It just didn't feel as difficult as it should have been.

[Russell eyes the shopkeeper with an attempt of a smile as they approach, and quiets down on mulling over just what this apparent change might have been.]

[iamnotgod]

Think it's something Mary Ann should scan for?

Or best not to draw any attention to it?

[Either is valid, but the latter's riskier in the long run.

Handling the purchases is little distraction, though the cashier has some snarky things to say about the kittens.]

[spaghettimonster]

Not that so much as... it didn't hurt.

[Getting tested for changes for the worse, that makes sense. But if they go get checked on every time something changes, well, that would draw a lot of attention. Like the attention he doesn't want to draw now, so he rolls his eyes and banters back with the snark.]

What, are they shit kids' films?

[iamnotgod]

If it starts hurting, though, you'll say something?

["Shit at being kids' films!' is the cocky reply, but the cashier refuses to be more helpful than that. She doesn't mess with the pricing, though.]

Are they cartoons, even?

[The cashier just grins.]