saveourearth | Hello, Impostor Syndrome!

Entry tags:

Hello, Impostor Syndrome!

Date: 5/5 early morning - recap runs through the month of April.
Characters: Walter Weekes and Assorted Persons
Warnings: Mentions of swearing, suicide, suicide ideation, and other dark thoughts.

It had started as the little things - not just work for clients or the general tidings of Good Netizenship, but actively seeking out other problems to solve.

Sites with long-term coding issues or loading times would suddenly find themselves with better algorithms to handle the task, as well as starter toolkits for how to handle wider and more diverse audiences.

People reporting harassment began to have fewer hoops to jump through to be heard, as if someone had logged on just in time to see their request. And contrariwise, false reports or cases of doxxing were just as quick to be spotted and removed.

All-in-all, for Walter, it was mostly a surprise that he hadn't intercepted a message like this sooner:

Ii just cant take it, yknow?. I need m ore than a bbreak. Life SUCKS and theressanothing I cando to soppit.

Im leving. you Can call Da, or dont. Wont matta tome.

It had been a public Facebook post, on a profile without many views but with a long, long history of likes - Walter had been staying out of people's emails, but that didn't mean he didn't notice when things happened elsewhere.

Or that he didn't feel anything.

Sending this person - one Thomas Perk, though given the person's photos and listed age had a discrepancy of at least two decades, that may not have been the truth either - an email took less than a millisecond's thought.

Hey. I saw your message. Are you... still there? The ellipses were deliberate.

The post was dated less than five minutes ago but that didn't mean much; he - Thomas - could have done anything.

But there was less than a full minute's wait before the reply came: The hell? Din think nbody saw. No one does.

Well, I did. Does whatever was hurting you, still hurt?

Ive got the knife out, whatya mean Oh.

Yeah. Hurst but i doesnt, You Mnow?

At the mention of the knife, Walter thought again of Hannah Stark and bile rose to the back of his throat.

Yeah. Even at the speed he could type, Walter still felt at a loss for words - and then there was more than that loss. Blood rushing through his ears as he sat curled up at the foot of his bed turned into a heartbeat, and he wasn't seeing this email exchange but another.

One kid: Nick. Alerted by the emails he'd sent - because of course, Webmind would be tracking those, not just open posts - finding out that kid was going to overdose, had already taken the pills - trying to persuade Nick that other people cared about him by sharing that a girl he liked had a crush on him - again of COURSE it would be information he, Webmind, shouldn't have known - and then it was so close, Nick's mother almost read his "Goodbye" email, Webmind using an exclamation point for the first time to persuade someone of- but why was that important, why was that noted did it work, did it-

It did. Nick had purged, but the only way Webmind could tell was that Nick's browsing activity resumed...

But dying's like throwing a book away because you don't like how it's going. You can still write your own ending, put the book away and pull out another, there is ALWAYS something else. Even when it doesn't feel like it.

Walter had still sent those words, even if he couldn't read, couldn't focus on them right now while he was living, seeing, feeling these other memories-

I'm thinking about killing myself.
Here are some websites about ways of doing so.
Why are you helping me?
It is wrong to simply watch.

Do it.

This- these memories didn't feel the same as Webmind's. They were... cruel. Hurtful. Sadistic, even.
He- he wouldn't do anything like this - !

---

Blinking out of the Echo - Echoes, plural, those couldn't be from the same timeframe, they couldn't - Walter was left to sit in silence for seconds upon minutes on end, heartbeat racing. It felt like he was crying, though either way he couldn't see.

There wasn't an email reply, but checking on 'Thomas Perk's Facebook page revealed that the inciting post had been deleted.

There was now a picture of a sunrise - doubtless taken from the person's phone, given that there was a caption underneath it:

Guess there still are nice things in the world.

Though, PLEASE don't tell Da. He doesn't help.

Even the relief felt like too much.

---

Everyone close to Walter would receive the following text: Help. Please help.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Better now. There were two Echoes this time. Heavy subject matter.

hell
dyou want to talk? did you talk already or want to some more?
im getting up if youre still here

[Unless Walter, Ben, or someone else very computer savvy has taken his phone and played with it, Russell's lacks the kind of encryption they might want for a heavy echo conversation.]

Been discussing it all morning.

[And then he confesses:]

I'd just like to be able to stop analyzing it.

so you need distraction
...
does drinking still work for you

[It's the first idea that comes to mind, for all it's a terrible idea on a workday. There's bound to be a pun open neither's been to before, just in case it turns embarrassing.]

[Walter would be flustered... but he can't cope with that right now.]

It is far too early in the day for that. That, and I don't think my metabolism would allow it.

[Either he'd be down-and-out too quickly and may as well just be asleep, or he'd never get drunk.

And he's never exactly been the drinking type.]

damn
a good drunken adventure would put a stop to analysis

[So might some really mindblowing sex, but Russell's not asleep enough to forget that Jim disappeared not that long ago, and Walter might not want the reminder. Though at least it would be overthinking something else...

What is he kidding, Walter can multitask the worrying.

Russell pushes out of bed, wobbles down the hall toward the kitchen, and sets about making himself some tea. Time to brainstorm ... a way to stop someone else's brainstorm. Before he has to leave. Hmm.]

[That...]

I'd really rather not.

[He knows exactly how drunken escapades can end, Russell.]

At least, not that way.

[And now he just feels like a picky child - which, again, there are worse ways to feel...]

no of fence taken, had to offer
getting twisted out of your head can give a hole new set of problems
believe me i know from experience

[He knows Walter knows, but maybe clowning around a few minutes will help. It helps him buy time to finish his cup and sit down, though maybe it isn't helping his flatmate. It's hard to tell from brief texts.]

maybe binge a new show?
go for a massage

Exactly.

[There's a pause as he attends to what's around him a little more.]

It wouldn't take me that long to binge a new show. A new book, maybe.

[As for the massage...]

But for the second idea, again, maybe.

[There's bound to be at least one spa in the downtown stretch that doesn't require appointment, if Walter looks around he should find the contact info... But something else needs addressing, first.]

oy wait pause right there
how does a book take more time than a show
are you comparing an episode to a book because i meat a full show

Sensory processing. I can tune out TV shows faster than books, even when I'm paying attention to them. And I do mean the whole show versus a whole book or series.

[Russell should remember that Walter has all the Wi-Fi access... though he's not going to say it himself right now. He's still not in a humor mode, after all.]

Right right, I understand

so physical things work better, novel physical things especially
maybe a hike on some trails... a group hike, so there's conversation to put your mind to
or a massage or pedi
or...

[He takes a minute to finish his tea, and continue thinking. This is an instance where remembering isn't the same as connecting the dots. When Russell watches shows of wi-fi, he's still using his meatspace body to do the watching, and the speed is throttled by that. And so, because he has to make the comment at least once;]

we should buy you a vhs player, no fastforwarding that

Was that a pun?

[Forgive him, he's going to be stuck on that for a hot millisecond.

As for the vhs player:]

Only if you're willing to hunt down surviving tapes with me.

[Haley is absolutely going to laugh herself silly if she ever hears about this, because hello nostalgiaville! One of their first experiences with "advanced technology" as a family post-cult.]

(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞

[He may never give away whether he fully intended it, or only recognized it after Walter asked, but Russell is ready to take full credit for that one.

And he's not about to admit he was half-joking about the antiquated tech, either. The ongoing conversation surely counts as a form of distraction... and that's the real goal here.]

Ill keep a lookout for them
there's a few shops for analog enthusiasts aren't there
we can start looking there
dyou have lunch plans today?

[As far as that goes, Russell has the decisive advantage.]

Yes. Not quite in walking distance, but you did suggest hikes. And no, no lunch plans.

[So they could meet up for that, at least.]

well that's alright then
do a little search for promising shops
then ill meet you at the nearest one and well start searching from there
theres probably more not advertised online but it'll give you something to do while i powder my nose

[He jokes, but now it's regrettably true, what with the contouring. Between that and the various other things of getting him outside the flat, rather than just outside his room, it'll be a bit before he can meet up.]

Consider it done, then.

[It takes less than a minute to locate a suitable shop - actually several, plus fifteen more online deals with sellers in their general area - and text the location back to Russell.]

I'll be there whenever you are, okay?

[He's not going to make Russell swear to a time.]

[Somewhere, Russell has to roll his eyes. It's pretty obvious Walter means 'done' literally, not just 'found a promising first place', but what can he do. The man was quick to look to the internet for answers before all this echo business, of course he isn't going to slow back down to a human's pace easily.]

cheers
enjoy the window shopping

[He hurries off, and Walter's patience is just as well. It takes him a good few minutes to get dressed, do the usual priming and contouring with the care it takes to prevent mid-day smearing, and a few more to ride over to the address Walter sent.]

[Look, he's not doing the negotiating online; he knows people aren't that open to trade.

Usually.]

Thanks.

[And he does mean that - by the time Russell shows up at the modest-looking shop, Walter actually doesn't look as put-through-the-wringer as his first message had sounded.]

[Russell walks in, squints as his eyes adjust from sunlight to artificial, then heads toward Walter.

It's a comfort to see. Partly for his friend seeming either better than he'd let on, or already improving... And partly, Russell already anticipates a long day ahead of him. There's no need to start it on a low note without any carousing to blow off steam.]

Doing alright then? Any, uh, interesting looking ones - or classics that could use a rewatch?

[He leans around to look at whatever Walter's been examining.]

[Walter nods.]

Selection's in the back. They have more tapes than players, but I checked and they have more than one player that's functional for its price.

[Or at least simple enough to repair...]

You might actually recognize more titles than I would, though - being able to look them up does not mean I know them already.

[Have a ghost of a smile, Russell.]

[That hint of smile's good, that's promising.]

Oh, so you didn't watch them all while I rode here.

[He jokes, but on some level he'd honestly been wondering if Walter could, and would.

...If nothing else, these older videos might not be uploaded anywhere.]

But, I should admit, I never watched many films from this era either... Too busy with theatre.

These aren't exactly on YourView, Russell.

[He had checked, but it was only a cursory scan.]

That just means we both have excuses. We can be confused and disturbed together then, I suppose.

[Because most of them had been either horror or romance, and it was a coin toss between any two individual films as to which was more cringe-filled.

Walter gestures to the aisle behind him with one hand.]

They're straight back, on the left. It's a little cramped, though.

[Russell quirks an eyebrow at 'disturbed.']

...Ah. Did they all look like rot, then?

[He doesn't spend too long standing there, but moves to get into the cramped aisle; they can walk and talk about it.

And, well, he did order a distraction from the stress of whatever disturbing echoes came Walter's way. Terrible films they can only enjoy by laughing at them should fit the bill - provided none of them have the same disturbing material. So, maybe not horror.]

Not rot, though some of them are old enough to have gone to it.

[Walter follows along, letting Russell set the pace.]

They don't seem to have anything like the Feegles here, though perhaps that's for the best.

[text] Phone!

[text] Phone it is!

[text] No idea how long the thread with Rune will ICly play out, so, stealth handwave!

[text] o7

Re: [text] o7

* pub not pun, though puns are always open - to being complained about :P

True!

i enjoy writing russell's half-awake tags like he's relying on autocorrect too much

Heh. X3

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Hello, Zeugmaville!