Hello, Impostor Syndrome!

[iamnotgod]

Date: 5/5 early morning - recap runs through the month of April.
Characters: Walter Weekes and Assorted Persons
Warnings: Mentions of swearing, suicide, suicide ideation, and other dark thoughts.

---

It had started as the little things - not just work for clients or the general tidings of Good Netizenship, but actively seeking out other problems to solve.

Sites with long-term coding issues or loading times would suddenly find themselves with better algorithms to handle the task, as well as starter toolkits for how to handle wider and more diverse audiences.

People reporting harassment began to have fewer hoops to jump through to be heard, as if someone had logged on just in time to see their request. And contrariwise, false reports or cases of doxxing were just as quick to be spotted and removed.

All-in-all, for Walter, it was mostly a surprise that he hadn't intercepted a message like this sooner:

Ii just cant take it, yknow?. I need m ore than a bbreak. Life SUCKS and theressanothing I cando to soppit.

Im leving. you Can call Da, or dont. Wont matta tome.

It had been a public Facebook post, on a profile without many views but with a long, long history of likes - Walter had been staying out of people's emails, but that didn't mean he didn't notice when things happened elsewhere.

Or that he didn't feel anything.

Sending this person - one Thomas Perk, though given the person's photos and listed age had a discrepancy of at least two decades, that may not have been the truth either - an email took less than a millisecond's thought.

Hey. I saw your message. Are you... still there? The ellipses were deliberate.

The post was dated less than five minutes ago but that didn't mean much; he - Thomas - could have done anything.

But there was less than a full minute's wait before the reply came: The hell? Din think nbody saw. No one does.

Well, I did. Does whatever was hurting you, still hurt?

Ive got the knife out, whatya mean Oh.

Yeah. Hurst but i doesnt, You Mnow?

At the mention of the knife, Walter thought again of Hannah Stark and bile rose to the back of his throat.

Yeah. Even at the speed he could type, Walter still felt at a loss for words - and then there was more than that loss. Blood rushing through his ears as he sat curled up at the foot of his bed turned into a heartbeat, and he wasn't seeing this email exchange but another.

One kid: Nick. Alerted by the emails he'd sent - because of course, Webmind would be tracking those, not just open posts - finding out that kid was going to overdose, had already taken the pills - trying to persuade Nick that other people cared about him by sharing that a girl he liked had a crush on him - again of COURSE it would be information he, Webmind, shouldn't have known - and then it was so close, Nick's mother almost read his "Goodbye" email, Webmind using an exclamation point for the first time to persuade someone of- but why was that important, why was that noted did it work, did it-

It did. Nick had purged, but the only way Webmind could tell was that Nick's browsing activity resumed...

But dying's like throwing a book away because you don't like how it's going. You can still write your own ending, put the book away and pull out another, there is ALWAYS something else.

Even when it doesn't feel like it.

Walter had still sent those words, even if he couldn't read, couldn't focus on them right now while he was living, seeing, feeling these other memories-

I'm thinking about killing myself.
Here are some websites about ways of doing so.
Why are you helping me?
It is wrong to simply watch.

Do it.

This- these memories didn't feel the same as Webmind's. They were... cruel. Hurtful. Sadistic, even.
He- he wouldn't do anything like this - !

---

Blinking out of the Echo - Echoes, plural, those couldn't be from the same timeframe, they couldn't - Walter was left to sit in silence for seconds upon minutes on end, heartbeat racing. It felt like he was crying, though either way he couldn't see.

There wasn't an email reply, but checking on 'Thomas Perk's Facebook page revealed that the inciting post had been deleted.

There was now a picture of a sunrise - doubtless taken from the person's phone, given that there was a caption underneath it:

Guess there still are nice things in the world.

Though, PLEASE don't tell Da. He doesn't help.

Even the relief felt like too much.

---

Everyone close to Walter would receive the following text: Help. Please help.

Comments

Hmm - there IS an action thread with Rune, but until we know his app's accepted it's optional canon.

[iamnotgod]

I'd need more context to be able to say anything for certain, but perhaps.

[He pauses, making himself consider the request instead of just react.]

Russell's still asleep, I think. I'd rather not disturb him.

[There's enough disturbing to go around, Walter feels.]

Your call

[warped_replica]

[That makes Benjiro halt in his process of getting ready.]

Would you prefer if I don’t come over then?

That would mean no disruption to the conversation. [Well, the texting of one so far.]

Let's keep things streamlined, then.

[iamnotgod]

That-

[No, wrong way to start.]

I would appreciate that, yes.

Can do

[warped_replica]

[Right. Altering his hasty plan, he sets the clothing aside and sinks to sit on the edge of his bed as he continues to text with Walter.]

Okay.

Is there more you can tell me about what happened?

Re: Can do

[iamnotgod]

In the memory, or here-and-now?

[Since he still doesn't know if the man's Facebook held his actual name - and if it did then other signs point to him being a minor and ohgods]

[warped_replica]

Both are relevant.

[Benjiro does not want to sway the conversation too heavily, otherwise he may misunderstand which components need to be addressed most critically.]

[iamnotgod]

[That self-constructed barrier crumbles at that insistence. And so, with one more furtive check on the privacy encryption:]

The kid, Thomas, he had a knife. He said that no one usually notices his posts. He deleted his post and replaced it after I talked to him. I'll be keeping in touch with him, making sure he gets long-term help.

Nick was trying to overdose, had already taken the pills. Webmind went looking for someone else's assertion that they liked him to try and persuade him that someone apart from Webmind would miss him.

Nick had sent both his mother and his coach "Fairewell" emails; Nick only caved because his mother was about to read hers.

[Walter couldn't do the same for Thomas; couldn't allow himself to do the same... right?]

[warped_replica]

[The use of a VPN guard makes his end of the channel secure, and with that safety in place, Benjiro can focus entirely on Walter. Right now, his friend is holding back the second memory details.]

For what it’s worth, I think it’s good that you were able to talk to Thomas. How did you meet him?

And it sounds like Nick didn’t have much time for other interventions. The only other option might have been contacting authorities. [Which are not always successful.]

[iamnotgod]

I've been searching for people to help. I'm surprised it's taken this long for me to arrive upon a case like Thomas's; most of what I've been doing has been comparatively smaller.

[Walter is downplaying what he's done and he knows it.]

Yes. And those can be a wildcard, when they're either too far away or poorly trained on connecting with citizens.

[There's a pause.]

There was one other memory; a girl. Jo-Li.

[warped_replica]

[Occupying time for someone that thinks and moves faster than the rest of the world is a challenge, and it seems Walter has found a charitable solution. Not that Benjiro is honestly surprised.]

That’s very you, Walter. [He means that as a compliment.]

What do you remember about her?

[iamnotgod]

[Walter is surprised, cutting through the emotional maelstrom he's in; at first he thinks the sentence is missing an 'of you', but - Ben wouldn't leave such a thing out, right?]

Thanks.

[Though, it shouldn't need thanks, should it? It's the right thing to do, after all... Just not something everyone can do, or necessarily should.]

Jo-Li was Chinese, fourteen years old. An only child.

She wanted to kill herself. And Webmind, if it was still him, provided links to ways of doing so. Encouraged her to go through with it, even.

I think she was expecting him to talk her out of it; instead, all he explained was that it was wrong to simply watch.

[And that's the kicker; same core motivation, exactly the opposite course of action.]

[warped_replica]

[Not when he is fully awake and attentive. The compliment is as intended, and while his efforts may not need a thanks, it certainly deserves one.]

Does the memory end there? [The tactic is horrifying to consider, one hand having covered over his mouth briefly as he read the message describing it. The risk of it is extreme, even generously assuming the approach was meant to draw out a retalitory preservation.]

[iamnotgod]

Yes.

[The 'background noise' of hatred and cruelty decisively cuts through any possibility of it being about reverse psychology.]

And while I want to know if she survived, I dread what it might take to trigger an Echo for that knowledge.

[Just wondering doesn't seem to cut it, in this case.]

[warped_replica]

I hope you don’t have to experience that or finish the memory. [Especially when Benjiro expects the worst outcome with confidence.]

Can you recall anything about dates from the two memories? Or anything particular about the locations of the kids involved?

[iamnotgod]

Nick was from Kansas; Jo-Li from China.

Both incidents have chat logs indicating dates from October, 2012, as is the case for most of Webmind's memories where dates are provided.

The incidents weren't even two weeks apart, though, again, context on how things changed from one situation to another is lacking.

[warped_replica]

Opposite sides of the world, and two different cultures. The internet is essentially omnipresent, so that might not have much bearing.

[This is no time for assumptions, and the order in which the events happened needs to be considered.]

According to the dates, which incident occurred first?

[iamnotgod]

Nick's occurred first.

[There's another pause, before he sends:]

Both were after the case of Hannah Stark.

[As much as it distresses him, that incident is likely relevant - for Webmind's motivations, not the humans'.

[warped_replica]

[Considering that order of events, Webmind was exposed to suicide, prevented one, then seemed to actively assist one. For a human, that would be a very radical shift that seems almost impossible. For a being that lives a fast life in a slow world...less improbable.]

What else makes the two memories different?

[iamnotgod]

[It doesn't help that he's still missing context - for all Walter knows Webmind underwent some significant damage-]

I mentioned "background" thoughts and mood: the latest memory contained much more hostility, even if the chatroom text didn't directly reflect that.

There was an undercurrent of taking revenge, however.

[warped_replica]

[The lack of context is frustrating for all Numbered, but particularly in this case.

The teenager pauses to consider what Walter reveals, and the concept of revenge is a dark one considering the damage Webmind could inflict worldwide.]

Could you tell if that feeling was specifically focused or more generalized to the population?

[iamnotgod]

Generalized.

[He dreads imagining what it would be like if it'd been focused.]

[warped_replica]

[The generalization increases the number of potential victims.]

So if an event, or series of events, catalyzed the change, then it may not have been intentionally directed at Webmind.

... Wait until Walter finds out about the firewall.

[iamnotgod]

Even then, anything that acts as a justification of this, something is wrong with that reasoning.

[Because people in general don't deserve that... right?]

Hoooo yeah that’ll be intense

[warped_replica]

Very wrong.

[The response to reaffirm the belief is immediate. Further messages take a moment for Benjiro to word.]

If there’s nothing else about the memory...

Then can you describe how you feel now?

[iamnotgod]

Worried.

[Checking in on Thomas again yields... he's still alive. Not putting himself in danger, and presumably not in danger.]

But the terror is less overwhelming, now.