saveourearth | A Little Unsteady [Closed Log]

Slipping under his wrist, her hand finds his cheek as his coughing fit starts, and he turns his head from her hand even as he bows through his back. Her touch at his face limits the fold of his body to a slouch jarred by the harsh effort to clear his airway. A deeper inhale follows after the coughing ceases, and he falls back into ragged breathing as another murmured apology slips breathless from his lips, “...s...rry...sorry.”

Then Sadie moves closer to him, leans to him, only to react with a pained hiss. His eyes snap open behind the cover of his hands, and those hands tremble as he draws them from his head to look towards her in disbelief and horror.

Did he already hurt her?

Edited 2019-02-18 01:48 (UTC)

What Ben sees when he looks up is Sadie grimacing, eyes closed. This only lasts a second or two as the grimace softens out and Sadie opens her eyes, her gaze is unfocused as she blinks and focuses back in on Ben, eyebrows and lips dropping in concern.

"Ben you need to keep trying with me again. In. Then out."

She begins her instructions as before but this time does not break eye contact with with Ben, making a visible show of breathing in and out now that he's looking at her. Shuffling a little closer, Sadie makes sure to try and press her chest against him so that, after a moment of two when she starts to purr, Ben can feel the full effect of the deep, rumbling vibrations. Another thing to try and ground him and hopefully calm him down.

Paralyzed until after she starts to speak, conflicting explanations arise in his mind as he tries to understand the reaction he witnesses in Sadie. Whether he had done something but he wasn't moving only coughing or she went through an Echo a new memory? or was suffering from something else had she been hurt at the river after all? he could not differentiate.

This is not the time to be doing this, she doesn't need to deal with his issues...!

Her guidance comes through with the demonstration, and the whisper of breathing starts to deepen. He breaks eye contact as tears well up in his eyes over the narrowed field, dropping his gaze with struggle visible in his expression while he wrestles with the myriad of emotion underlying the sense of panic. One hand gripping his head as the other covers his tears, he inhales sharply through his teeth as she comes against him, but does not try to retreat.

In. Out.

He feels her breathing, hears her words, and soon feels the vibrations of her purring carried into his own body by the contact between them. Painfully slowly, his breathing follows suit. The process is disrupted several times with momentary accelerations, and dotted by apologies, but Sadie's methods are effective over a span of minutes that feel dilated to hours. Tremors persist, yet he finally manages to bring his hands downwards with one arm coming around Sadie to hold her as the other locks to support against his leg.

Sadie continues her hawk-like watch of Ben as she continues to try and coach him into a more normalised breathing pattern. Every little movement comes to the attention of her eyes as she hyper focuses in on him and maintaining her purring and the precise rhythm of in and out.

"Come on Ben, there we go. You've got this." She keeps her voice quiet, almost a whisper between the two of them. Sadie is so very thankful for the rhythm of in and out and having to purr because as soon as Ben starts to cry her chest tightens and it is the only thing that stops her from crying too, especially whenever his breathing picks up and he starts trying to apologise. When Ben finally wraps one of his arms around Sadie does the same to him, wrapping her arms around him properly to bring them closer together.

"There we are. I've got you and we'll stay here for as long as you need...I love you so much, Ben."

She shouldn't.

The bitter thought pierces deep, making his stomach knot, but the vile notion is expelled from his thoughts as he curls into her arms where he feels her warmth, hears her voice, and can breathe her in. Head lowered fully to her shoulder to hide his face as the trails of tears dry in the air, Benjiro continues to shiver faintly as fatigue sets in the wake of the panic. It absolutely drained him, and he sounds it as he replies to her with more control over his voice, "I love you too, Sadie..."

As much as he would like to never move again, he is aware that in time, one of his great aunts will come out to check the shed.

Sharper inhale drawn, he holds it purposefully then releases it in a rather slow exhale before speaking with edges of nervousness creeping into his voice, "I'm really sorry about...this, I didn't-... I've been distracted and I didn't sleep much last night or before. I've never...never done that before, I don't know why- I... It was absolutely unnecessary and I'm so sorry-" Such rambling will continue until she speaks up.

Sadie lightly presses a kiss to the side of Ben's head as he starts to ramble, gently squeezing him as she goes to cut him off.

"Ben...You owe me no apologies, how much of a hypocrite would that make me when you've been so patient and caring of me when I've broken down?" Another kiss, "Nothing about what just happened was unnecessary. It-it just happens sometimes. Everything builds and builds and builds; worries, stress, upset, nerve, and god knows I haven't exactly made things easy with stuff like what happened the river..."

Sadie sighs, "I'm the one who should be saying sorry, for not noticing how spread thin you've been. I haven't done enough to help unburden you and for that, I am so sorry. I've been relying so much on you and it's unfair of me with what you're going through."

The first kiss and the squeeze of her arms has the intended effect of ending his stream of jumbled apologies with relenting exhale as the last of his prepared breath is released. Benjiro listens from her shoulder at first, turning his head to start looking upwards. Second kiss received, and he stays until she starts to shift blame onto herself. At the mention of the river, his brow pinches together, and as she tries to extend an apology, he lifts his head to look at her directly.

Benjiro slowly shakes his head, lifting his hand from his leg to reach up and cup her cheek, "No...no, you didn't do anything wrong, Sadie. Please, please don't think you didn't do enough. You have, you've been there for me every single day." Thumb brushing across her cheek, he leans his head forward to touch his forehead to hers as he tries to prevent the guilt from settling in her, "I've taken on a lot, I know, but it's not about what's happening now..."

Hesitation snares his words, eyes drifting in the direction of the blanketed weapons, but he turns his gaze back as he swallows a little roughy and draws out the thread common between his thoughts in his panic, "...it's what will happen."

That didn't sit quite true with Sadie, she had been there, but she honestly couldn't say that she'd too much more than that. Once again, placing the burden of the physical work on Ben, such as creating and setting up the harnesses she had used to dive in the river. Ben resting his forehead on Sadie's is a comfort to her, at least until he mentions the future and her breath catches.

"Oh..." Ben's panic attack now made even more sense, "Ben, you know that it's alright to be worried about that right? The future is enough of a worry anyway and then the Echoes make it worse...It is scary. It terrifies me, to be honest, what might happen the longer that we stay in Mossgate but...I want to help and support you every step of the way, even with the more...unusual changes." Sadie looks Ben straight in the eye, "If you ever wanted to leave Mossgate I would go with you in a heartbeat if it meant that you were happy."

Audible in her gain of insight into the disruption of his thoughts, Benjiro recognizes his part in concealing the strain of understanding so much of his potential changes to come. He listens to her reassurances - that she shares in the fear and understands while being willing to face it with him. Then she offers something he never expected. Leaving Mossgate with him would mean separating from her family. A sacrifice of some of her happiness.

For a quiet moment, the temptation to accept a way out is immense.

Tempering his nerves, he makes his response conditional, “If it becomes too much, if I change in the wrong way, then I will ask you to come with me, Sadie, and we can leave.” He breathes a little easier for having the option. Right now they have obligations to school, but more than that...their friends need them. They need to find answers.

Sliding his hand from her cheek, he brings his second arm down around her middle, and lifts his head only to tilt it and place a soft kiss to her cheek as he brings her into a full embrace. Head bowing over her shoulder, he speaks quietly, “Thank you, Sadie.” As he holds her, the presisting tremors of his muscles fade as the panic finally dies.

The fact that Ben doesn't rule out the idea of leaving and in fact agrees to it as a plan of action if the Echoes start to take an unfavourable turn is a massive comfort.

"We'll look out for each other just like always, and if it ever gets to that point, for either of us, then we know we've got a plan, a way out." She rests her head against his, "We have options even if it gets dire."

Ben and Sadie hold onto each other for a little longer until Ben is sure that he's feeling recovered enough to move. From that point the evening resumes as normal; a quick chat with Ben's aunts before spending their free time before dinner studying, and then eating together and catching up on the days events with Ben's aunts over dinner.

Eventually Ben and Sadie retreat to Ben's room to get ready for bed. Sadie perches on the edge of Ben's bed, brushing her hair to get it ready to tie back for the night when she finally decides to broach the subject.

"Ben...You don't have to answer now but... What was it about the gauntlets that triggered the panic attack?" She gently questions him as she watches Ben also get ready for bed.

Expectations aside, Benjiro would not hesitate to retreat from Mossgate at her request should Sadie be the one overwhelmed by the situation or undesirable changes. Nothing would sway him from staying at her side.

Then life resumes. Unlike how it felt in those fevered minutes, everything is still as it was yesterday. Sadie is with him and he still has a place in Mossgate.

Daylight fades and as the evening hours spill into the night, the promise of sleep lures him away from delays to get one last task accomplished. Tonight, he needs to rest. By now, he has gone through the typical motions of readying for bed, and his thoughts have begun to slow as he loops the drawstring of his pajamas into a neat bow knot. Dressed entirely, he reaches to flip off the light switch for the overhead by his closed door while the lamp at his bedside maintains his ability to perceive color. He veers over to his computer desk one last time to ensure the power is off, and that is when the question from Sadie comes. Benjiro stalls with his mouth opening slightly in a desire to answer, only for him to close it to swallow as he reconsiders the phrasing and instead answers on his second try, “...they gave me some perspective about him.” The one without a name.

Tired steps bring him over to join Sadie on the bed, and easing down to sit beside her, he looks to the brush in her hand and a thought crosses his mind. Uncertain, he offers one open hand towards her, “...would you like a hand with your hair? It’s been a while since I’ve done Emiko’s, but I doubt I’ve forgotten.”

Edited 2019-02-20 11:40 (UTC)

Perspective? Maybe something to do with the size of gauntlets, something along the line of what she had been thinking? Sadie stops her thoughts there, it would do no good to assume or try and guess especially not when Ben would try and explain to her to the best of his ability. When Ben sits down on the bed Sadie happily hands over the brush to him and rests her hand on his leg as she scooches around for a better angle.

"Here, have a crack at it," Sadie waits for Ben to start brushing her hair before she gently squeezes his leg and continues her questions, "What sort of perspective?"

Similarly shifting his position to sit diagonally on the bed, he scoots closer to settle where his leg rests lightly against her own under her hand. Benjiro grips the brush lightly at the handle, and he raises it to her hair to pick up where she left off. The first passes of the brush are ginger as he focuses on being gentle while becoming reacquainted with the familiar motion. Much like riding a bike, it feels natural in seconds.

Prompted to talk more, a shadow of a smile crosses his face. He had expected such, and instead of the same anxiety seizing him as before, the contact with Sadie and the busyness of his hands wards off the worst of it. His heart rate does start to creep upwards, but it doesn’t affect him outwardly as he responds.

“You figured it out earlier, Sadie… There are a number of reasons not to want to gauntlets around, but seeing them next to you made me consider the sheer size of them. And consequently, him.” A sweep of his fingers through her hair to reposition it with his other hand, then he resumes with his voice measured, “Remember the drawings I made of the other three? He has a similar frame to the blue and yellow ones, but he’s taller. It’s difficult to pin down any specific measurements, but he must be close to 210 centimeters. And worse still, his arms are prominent.”

A pause to breathe, then he brings the fear out into words through the sharp teeth he already had thrust upon him, “…if my Number affects me that way again in the future, I could end up like...that.”

There are a couple of tugs to start with, not painful, but a clear sign of Ben trying to fnd the stroke and rhythm that works best with her hair. However, once he gets that down pat, Sadie is treated to the delightful goose-bump tingling sensation that comes from someone else doing her hair and this manages to set of a round of loud purring from the blonde. Sadie would definitely have to ask Ben to do this for again if this was how relaxed she'd feel.

"The gauntlets gave you a better measure of the size of the person you've become connected to," Sadie summarises as she gives Ben's leg another comforting squeeze, "Okay... 210 centimetres, large upper build... There are definitely some challenges with that if it does end up happening but nothing we can't work around with a little bit of good, old-fashioned hard work."

A practical, forward-planning approach is the best way Sadie could think of to approach this topic for Ben, "Movement and learning physical space occupation is something that will just take some good old practice. Any clothing issues... Tailors are expensive bit you can buy really large clothes on the cheap and take them in, or some fabrics are inexpensive to buy of we need to go that route."

" And of course I will be there to help with all of that."

Soothed by the activity of brushing her hair and the resulting rise of her purrs, he listens to her repeat back the information to demonstrate her understanding. It leaves no question of doubt in her comprehension. Then almost instantly Sadie puts forward a determined reaction, and moves right along to working through the possibility in a concrete manner. It sounds realistic. She recognizes that the faster he changes the clumsier he would be as a result of increases of mass and volume. Managing any elevation in his strength would likely be addressed with the same methods he has been using since last year with adjustments made as necessary to regain a sense of normalcy. Clothing would require new strategies to address, and Sadie has two strong suggestions to offer already.

What matters more, is her verbal commitment to assist him.

A few nods of his head accompany his words despite her inability to see the motion, "I don't doubt that, Sadie. Thank you... It would take time to make the adjustments, but can be managed practically. If it happens." Although his words stall there in a pregnant pause, he continues to brush her hair carefully as he searches for the way to uncover the next layer of the issue.

Patience yields the root of it all.

Brush set aside on the bed once he feels certain he has done the task thoroughly, he reaches with both hands to guide her hair back in sweeping motions as he runs his fingers through the silky strands. Aligning them towards her neck, he separates them into three groups to begin braiding together neatly. After he ties the braid off, he brings his hands down to rest on her shoulders, "Logistical issues aside, I... When I saw you next to the gauntlets, I realized you're about the size of one of his arms." His stomach lurches, but he finishes, " ...if I changed that far, then how could I hold you?"

Edited 2019-02-21 04:32 (UTC)

Sadie hums in agreement, stopping herself from nodding just in time to not disturb Ben's braiding efforts. "We're a practical pair, even if it takes a bit of figuring I know we can come up with a plan for almost anything."

Ben's braiding attempts feel successful to Sadie, there aren't any strands that feel like they're going to tug or pull uncomfortably, "Thank you, Ben." and rests her cheek against his hand. Sadie will admit that it is a little shocking that one of Ben's arms could end up the same size as her, and that's not accounting for the fact that Sadie has no idea if she could change size either, though her mouth has an answer ready far before her brain catches up.

"In one hand."

Sadie grimaces and turns slightly to look at Ben, "...Sorry that wasn't appropriate... But Ben, I honestly cannot see that being something that I'd dislike, we'd just have to be careful at first as figure out the logistics. Like we did after the junkyard."

Warm cheek against his hand, Benjiro manages to mind his contact with her even as the spontaneous answer provokes a cringe at his middle and shoulders. The thought crosses with the image of clawed hands, and revulsion spreads the tension in his muscles without managing to reach his hands. Sadie is already turning before he can think about it further. Her gentle apology draws his attention. Then, she effortlessly dispatches the burden weighing on his heart.

“You wouldn’t…” be uncomfortable, be scared, be disgusted, but he cannot bring himself to utter those words. It would besmirch the bond they have created. Instead, he drops his head to look downwards and leans forward to lay his cheek against the back of her shoulder as his anxiety dissolves. A soft smiling exhale escapes, and he corrects himself, “Of course not.”

The most terrible aspect of having a brilliant mind is that he so readily anticipates a number of the problems such a change would bring. Not in terms of finding fitting clothing, but in facing the world. Those that know him but not of his Number would be left with few conceivable explanations or none if it comes on quickly. Any of which contrast sharply with who he is as a person. Then beyond his social circle, strangers would respond to his visible build as they would presented with anyone that size. Staring, feeling intimidated, avoidance, maybe fear… All of which feels insurmountable alone.

Yet, he has Sadie.

He slides his hands down from her shoulders and instead reaches to wrap them around her waist as he breathes freely in the knowledge he would not lose her for it. His smile strengthens when he speaks from a platform of security, “You could probably sit in his hand to be fair. And come to think of it, bed arrangements would be a much more difficult dilemma.”

Sadie almost breathes a sigh of relief at the amount of physical contact that Ben is willingly engaging in, it always felt like Sadie could comfort him better with it. She also felt better because of it, it was grounding when they were dealing with the fantastical. It made everything more real and less impossible. When Ben reaches around her, Sadie leans back into the hold.

"Does this mean that I would be able to get you to carry me everywhere because I absolutely would?" Gentle joking was the order of the day because honestly, how else do you begin to deal with the bizarreness of it all. "And if you ever get that big I could always just lie on top of you, or maybe invest in a larger bed if it gets to that point." She would probably invest in a bigger bed anyway, especially if their physical relationship continued to progress the extra room would be nice.

Sadie is content to sit quietly for a bit and would have continued to do so until what she'd seen started nagging her, the calm wake of Ben's panic attack she can spare the energy to think on it.

"Ben, when you were little did you have a dinosaur pencil case with your name on it?"

Her facetious question raises a quiet chuckle from Benjiro and he gives her a soft squeeze with his arms as he answers without hesitation, “Sure.” As it stands now, carrying Sadie on occasion is a pleasant act. It makes him feel close to her and trusted. So he would absolutely entertain carting her around. On the matter of bedding, he hums softly, “I could always build something, but it would be less expensive if I converted back to using a futon. Either way, on top of me would probably be safer.” He is usually a lighter sleeper, but has had nights beyond reach from the world.

Comforted, his heart and breathing settle alongside his thoughts. Later. He can worry more about that possible future later with the worst consequence disallowed.

Benjiro lifts his head from her shoulder, rousing from a mild stupor of relief and fatigue, and unwraps his arms from around her slowly to sit up under his own power. Nodding a couple times he confirms the detail with a slight tilt of his head and a confused tick of an eyebrow, “Yeah...I did. Had it with me through elementary years. Did Emiko mention it?”

Edited 2019-02-23 11:41 (UTC)

Sadie would readily admit that she'd been hoping that Ben would say otherwise, that he had never had a dinosaur pencil case because this definitely now felt like an invasion of privacy.

"I saw it when I was helping you calm down. Suddenly I was standing in a house at night, in your bedroom and you, you were so small and cute, were lying on the bed." Sadie frowns, "I asked about the pencil case because I honestly wasn't sure if what I saw was real or not."

Immediately, her reluctance regarding the vision is clear, and Benjiro reaches to take her hand. Although he had intended to ask soon, her words deliver an answer to one lingering question on his mind, "...when you were in pain. Is that when you saw my bedroom?"

Waiting only for confirmation, he nods and then encourages her, "Then the only way to know if it was real is for you to tell me as much detail as you can recall. If anything doesn't match with what I remember, then it might be more like a dream."

Sadie thinks back to what she saw and starts to recount it to Ben, "It looked late at night but you weren't asleep. Emiko started crying so you got up and went to find your mother, the hallways were full of moving boxes which you stopped behind because your mum was on the phone."

Sadie's expression immediately sours and the register of her purr deepens into an angry growl. "She told you to go away, so you returned to your room and then decided to go to Emiko. She calmed down with you there, it was very sweet."

“...._oh,” is all he initially utters as recognition dawns. He remembers that night rather well given how monumental that moment with Emiko had proven to his whole life. In the wake of that recognition, he feels mortified that Sadie had to hear the interaction with his mother. Second hand raised to cover his mouth as he looks away with a heat rushing across his face, Benjiro murmurs in Japanese and reverts to English after.

“That...that really happened,” he states and pulls his hand down against his face. Looking down at his lap, seeking the right way to address it, he cannot bring himself to look at Sadie as he speaks again, “Things weren’t like that after we moved from London.”

"You shouldn't have had to experience that at all, regardless of whether it got better after you moved." Sadie scowls and mutters angrily, "That was a cruel thing to say about a child, even if she didn't realise you were there. It's not right at all."

Physical closeness is necessary right now, Sadie leans into Ben to stop herself from growling again because picturing younger Ben's reaction to his mother's words was just going to make her more angry and after today that's the last thing Ben needs, it was time for a slight change in her focus, "Emiko was adorable as a baby."

Briefly, there is an urge to defend his mother. Not one born of great affection for her, but because he feels that he should as her son. In the face of Sadie's anger however, Benjiro merely offers a flimsy justification, "...it was complicated."

When Sadie turns into him, he finally looks back to her with a lingering redness at his cheeks, and his arms reach to wrap around her in a hug meant to comfort them both. Leaning his head over to rest his chin on her hair, he smiles faintly at the comment about his sister, and agrees, "Wasn't she? People we met loved fawning over her."

A Little Unsteady [Closed Log]

And back at the shed

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*persisting

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the gauntlets around*

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